News #008: May Day bound to cause crisis
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Experts predict that standardized test scores and wages may see a temporary increase, and Mexican president Vincente Fox is predicting a temporary one-day economic crisis for Mexico. “How are we supposed to enforce our border policy like this?” Fox complained, “Without any money from the United States, we won’t have enough taxes to beat, rob, or kill our Guatemalan illegals!”
In other news, Sen. John McCain is quoted as having told radio host Don Imus that he’d rather have a clean government than “First Amendment rights.” ASUA officials are reportedly speaking out in response, accusing Sen. McCain of “stealing our idea.”
And finally, the Arizona Board of Regents has given its stamp of approval to the University of Arizona to install more wireless Internet access in high-traffic areas of campus. Officials noted, “Finally, students will have something more to do than sudoku, crossword puzzles, and Hex Talk during lectures. Now, they can use AOL Instant Messenger, MySpace, and Facebook.” Professors are elated that the proposal will probably reduce verbal talking in class. One professor noted “When this is all done, we’ll have reached a new low.”
Today's theme song is Fisher: Chicago as recorded by Eric Prancer conducted by Fred Lewis and performed by the Bensenville/Wood Dale Concert Band. Per their (ambiguous) request of noncommercial use, this episode falls under the Attribution-NonCommercial 2.5 license available at Creative Commons.
Audio comment hotline is up
I now have an audio comment hotline up for anybody who wishes to leave us a soundbyte via telephone. 1-206-339-7228. Standard long-distance rates apply. The voicemail goes straight to my EMAIL account, not my telephone, so please don't use this as a method of instantaneous contact.
I reserve the right to publish any soundbyte coming from this number. If you have something anonymous to say, shoot me an email instead.
Objurgate Opine with O'Hara
Now that I have a Skype account, I now have the ability to record audio interviews over the Internet. Thus, if you'd like to be interviewed for The Arizona Podcat, please shoot me an email and we'll schedule a time. Please note that because finals are coming up, my availability may be extremely limited. Moreover, all interviews would become my property and licensed under the same Creative Commons license as both the Factor and the Podcat.
Moreover, if you are a semi-outsider (or perhaps otherwise) and would like to help out with the interviewing, that works, too. The more people we have, the more interesting it becomes.
News #007: UA fires med school resident (and more...)
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Officials have fired a University of Arizona medical school resident of Chinese nationality, citing his inability to speak Engrish…er…English. In a statement to the Tucson Citizen, the man said…uh…you know what, I’m not going there.
Meanwhile, a man in Yuma has been ordered to spend 90 days in jail and repay more than $300,000, in monthly $300 installments, after having stolen it from collection plates at a local Roman Catholic church. Meanwhile, Arizona Lottery officials have taken notice and created the “one million-dollar lotto”, whose winner gets one dollar every year for a million years. One official noted, “Since lottery players are so mathematically inept, I don’t know how we didn’t think of this in the first place!”
And finally, the UA Classics department alongside Arizona Athletics is investigating claims that a UA basketball player and others received preferential treatment with independent study courses. The player noted “I don’t know why they’re complaining. My thesis is about how the Greeks invented basketball, curling, and snowboard racing. Come on, didn’t you watch the Olympics?”
Today’s theme song is “A Pizza Without Time” by Derek K. Miller.
News #006: CatsRidde goes zero for thirty
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Though having been in operation for three weeks now, CatsRidde – which stands for Cats Realizing the Importance of a Designated Driving Escort – has given zero rides, despite having had thirty students sign waivers allowing them to use the service. When interviewed about the program on Saturday night at Maloney's Tavern, one of the waiver signers didn’t know what we were talking about.
The student government also operates "Safe Ride," but it's not allowed to carry drunken students for insurance reasons.
As if they didn't have enough trouble, Women’s Studies professor Helen Keller is suing ASUA after they declined her application to become a driver for the two services. An ASUA spokesman commented "Why would we hire Helen Keller? She's a woman!" Keller's proponents note that her driving skills are no worse than the rest of city of Tucson.
Today's theme song comes from "More Red Than Red" by Derek K. Miller.
News #005: Union fee / Ditching school / Spring Fling
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The Student Union Fee Referendum goes up for student vote today and tomorrow. Failure to pass the fee may force Arizona Student Unions to cut funding to programs most students have never even heard of, operate profitable restaurants, and stop charging six dollars for a box of Cheerios.
In other news, of Tucson Unified School District’s 60,000 students, 11,710 students--and approximately 520 teachers--skipped school yesterday in order to protest the House illegal immigration bill. Meanwhile, researchers reported that 48,290 TUSD students have self-esteem.
And finally, Spring Fling officials are refusing to put out official numbers on attendance and profits. Its executive director noted “It's a change of marketing; we've been advised to do this.” An Arizona Student Unions official noted “Wow, why didn’t we think of that?”
News #004: White American alleges racism after attempting to slip across port of entry from Mexico
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The illegal immigration debate took a new twist today as a white American attempted to cross a port of entry in Nogales, Arizona without having been first checked out by U.S. Border Patrol agents.
Sometime in the afternoon, Border Patrol agents noticed a man of Caucasian descent attempting to slip around a metal detector in the Nogales port of entry. An agent immediately grabbed the man and asked for identification, after which the man proceeded to punch the agent in the chest with a Sprint cell phone, widely known for its crime deterrent capabilities as featured during this year’s Super Bowl.
"It's so completely obvious that the Border Patrol is racially-profiling white people," the man alleged, "otherwise they wouldn’t be acting so professionally to all the Hispanic citizens and permanent residents over here standing in line with their identification and belongings ready to present!"
On his website, the man affirmed his continuing appreciation and support of the United States Border Patrol. Meanwhile, several thousand Mexicans migrated illegally through an outdoor port of entry just west of Nogales.
Note: I meant "several thousand", not "seven thousand" during recording, and I'm too lazy to re-record the paragraph. It may as well be seven anyway.
News #003: Campus nerds seek to compliment Daily Wildcat with “Hex Talk”
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With the ever-increasing popularity of doing crossword and sudoku puzzles and reading Monday Campus Health features appearing in the Arizona Daily Wildcat rather than paying any attention to lectures, students in the Computer Science department are hoping to catch the trend-wave for a new daily feature: "Hex Talk."
According to professors and motivated students within the department, "Hex Talk" would combine everything good about crossword puzzles, sudoku, and the weekly feature that the Campus Health Service puts out on Mondays. Students will be challenged daily with such features as hexadecimal crossword puzzles, fifteen-by-fifteen sudoku rather than the usual nine-by-nine, and a daily paragraph that students would translate into safety tips for preventing ITD's, or Internet-Transmitted Diseases.
Despite support within the computer science department, others expressed concern that the feature would become as much of a joke as the Campus Health Monday feature. "Everybody knows that half the letters in there are jokes from regular students," one student commented, "though I admit most of the questions aren’t beyond frat guys and sorority chicks."
Questions are already pouring into the Hex Talk mailbag, asking about such issues as broken retractable cup holders, mechanical vs. optical foot pedals, and failure to receive Nigerian lottery winnings.